One nation, under surveillance

All names have been changed to ensure that the guilty go unpunished, the innocent are jailed or deported, and only approved thoughts are thought

The Dean of the University of Free Thought had been expecting the letter for some time. It finally came into his Inbox last week, bearing the distinctive logo of the Department of Education of the Government of Freepublica. The logo features an ageing, blind, bald eagle with a dead mouse in its beak. Below is the country’s motto: One Nation, Under Surveillance.

The letter, couched in the high-minded language of corruption and decay, set down the conditions the University must fulfil to continue receiving government funding. The summary below, however, captures the essence of the letter in blunt English.

Obey Or Be Damned

The University must reward the obedient, weed out the rebellious, and strongly discourage students and untenured faculty from being over-expressive. Only those of proven ideological loyalty will be appointed to positions in governance. Anyone suspected of believing that change is possible must be expelled within minutes.

Meritorious Colours

Only candidates of merit will be considered for leadership positions. The word merit is defined as heartfelt agreement with whatever Freepublica’s president says. Diversity is not a thing. The Government will not tolerate any attempt to smuggle in brown, light brown, black, yellow, and coffee-coloured people, or people of any other colour. The only colour officially approved has already been communicated in a separate email, which you may not have received. If so, you are free to guess what that colour might be. (Clue: It’s the President’s colour. If only all Freepublicans could be as meritorious as he.)

Base It On Race

Students must be selected based on merit and only merit. Merit includes alignment with the officially approved policy and skin colour. The University will assiduously avoid any attempt to consider a student’s background, personality or circumstances.

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The Government is happy to help the University ensure the correct kind of conformity. To facilitate this, the University is required to provide the Government with admission data such as race and skin colour at the time of application.

No Uppity Foreigners

The University will keep close watch on foreign students, especially if they believe that being in Freepublica means that they are somehow entitled to free speech and free thought. Nothing is free, everything and everyone has a price.

Look Diverse, Don’t Be Diverse

Every department must include at least a few obedient contrarians to create the illusion of free debate. If a department is unable to have an open discussion about officially approved topics because no one disagrees, it’s time to fire and rehire until you get the right mix of sanctioned disagreement.

Don’t Touch The Jews

Thinking bad thoughts about Jews is not allowed. The University will closely monitor students’ and professors’ thoughts about Jews. Anyone suspected of thinking unauthorised thoughts about Jews will have their visas cancelled, their babies murdered in their sleep and their wives disappeared. If they are not foreigners, then their Free Parking slots will be taken away.

While they are at it, the University will monitor all other thoughts as well, just in case something comes up.

Death To Diversity

Admitting that Freepublica is diverse will mean acknowledging that lack of diversity in university admissions is a problem. People will start demanding solutions. To pre-empt this, the University will stop all attempts at diversity. Only students who look and act like previous students will be taken. Students must show photographs of alumni who they resemble, so that everyone looks similar. And of course, white.

The Right To Have No Rights

All students and professors have a right to have their rights taken away, so that they can enjoy a rights-free environment, and think state-approved thoughts. People who disagree must be swiftly identified, reported and punished. Fingers may be removed one at a time or more if deemed necessary so that they can’t make victory signs or hold placards again.

Snitch And Get Rich

The University will encourage students, faculty and staff to snitch on each other anonymously, especially when they air unapproved opinions or demand the truth. Such students will receive cash bonanzas, graduate without giving exams and land cushy jobs in the Government.

The Truth Shall Put You In Jail

The University will monitor everyone at every level with CCTV cameras and hidden mics. Anyone caught speaking hard truths will pay a heavy price. Transparency is allowed only when there is no big deal and nobody has been caught saying or doing anything.

The guidelines above are based on an open-eyed reading of a real letter received by the University from the Government of Freepublica. Most universities have quietly caved. Money is money, after all, and you can’t have moral values if you don’t even exist. However, the University of Free Thought, Freepublica’s best-known academic institution, has refused to comply and is preparing to fight back.

I nearly forgot. The University of Free Thought is better known as Harvard University in real life. No prizes for guessing which country Freepublica is. However, don’t say the name in public or you know what they’ll do to your babies and wives.

You can read the original letter here: https://cutt.ly/erzvTAOU

You can reach C Y Gopinath at cygopi@gmail.com
Send your feedback to mailbag@mid-day.com
The views expressed in this column are the individual’s and don’t represent those of the paper.

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