We’re both not happy in this...

Illustration/Uday Mohite

I am a 23-year-old and am dating a guy two years older. We have a lot of ups and downs, and it sometimes feels as if we don't understand each other at all. It is getting to a stage where I feel as if we are both questioning our need to be together. This was fine at the start of our relationship, but we have been together for almost two years now and nothing has changed. There is no positive energy and no feeling of togetherness that I expected after all this time. I want to figure out what I am doing wrong, but I can't. I have spent months thinking about it with no solution. He doesn't know either and it's just making me miserable because I don't get any happiness out of this situation anymore. We have one good week and four bad weeks and it's not making sense because I know we love each other a lot. What should I do?
The first mistake is assuming you're doing something wrong because this is clearly a problem that involves you both. Loving each other is great and an obvious prerequisite for any relationship, but it is evolving together and putting in the work that leads to fulfilment. Nothing in a relationship changes without introspection, or honest conversations about what you both feel is missing. Try putting aside your feelings for each other and discuss what you want instead. The ups and downs you refer to are an opportunity to take stock of why things aren't going the way you want them to. Also, with maturity comes the realization that some things can't be fixed even if there is enough love. If you get to a stage where you get more unhappiness than fulfilment from this relationship, it is also important to ask yourself difficult questions about whether you have a future together. It may sound like a harsh thing, but you won't find clarity without being ruthlessly honest with yourself as well as your partner.

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