To-be brides and grooms are registering for pre-marital counselling before their big day, in an effort to be certain they are ready not just for shaadi, but also for marriage
Shibani Dandekar and Farhan Akhtar had famously begun couples counselling soon after their engagement. Pic/Getty Images
We got married on a Monday, and our next scheduled [couples counselling] appointment was on a Wednesday,” this singer-actor Shibani Dandekar shared on Rhea Chakraborty’s podcast, Chapter 2, about the couples therapy sessions she and husband Farhan Akhtar have been attending. Dandekar added that they had actually begun couples therapy soon after they were engaged. “It’s like going to the gym. You have to keep working on it [the relationship],” she explained.
This is not just a story of the rich and famous. Increasingly, couples are seeking pre-marital counselling across India, to gauge how ready they are for the big step. The government, too, is in support of it becoming a part of the pre-wedding checklist. On February 7, the chairperson of the National Commission of Women (NCW), Vijaya Rahatkar, announced that Nashik would get a pre-marital counselling centre on March 8. Based on the NCW’s recommendation, Odisha CM Mohan Charan Majhi on February 12 announced that the eastern state, too, will establish pre-marital counselling centres.
The government has announced it will set up a pre-marital counselling centre in Nashik next month. Representation pic/iStock
But how does this help couples?
“Even though my now husband and I had been dating for five years before we got married, I wanted to confirm if I was ready,” says Shruti Limaye, 35, a PR professional based in Andheri who had sought counselling before her wedding six years ago.
“Talking to a professional gives perspective. I went for three or four sessions, but my counsellor ensured I went back and discussed things with my fiancé—finances, how we’d raise children, family medical history. Some of these were topics that I had not thought about.”
Shruti George, Shruti Limaye, Mufti Ashfaq Kazi and Santy Matthews
Limaye says the sessions made a positive impact on her relationship. “Even during my postpartum period, I could openly express how I was feeling to him.”
The government also hopes counselling will help prevent divorce and domestic violence, which accounts for about 45 per cent of complaints the NCW receives, shares Rahatkar.
“It’s become the need of the hour,” says Dr Pradeep Kumar, director of Sanjeevani Relationship Counselling in Andheri East. His centre sees couples walking in a week after their wedding, claiming they are not compatible. Pre-marital sessions can help reduce such occurrences, he says. “After getting engaged, some couples disagree on values; some don’t want to move cities, or have different opinions on gender roles. We also often see issues with intimacy,” he explains.
Dr Pradeep Kumar, director, Sanjeevani Relationship Counselling
“Independence is a key factor. Women often wonder what their life will be like after marrying into a joint family,” says Santy Matthews, a Pune-based life and mental health coach. “These couples are usually between 25 and 35 years, and from different communities. My first question to them is ‘Can you financially manage a wedding and a marriage?’ Often, they haven’t thought of the economics of having a child either,” says Matthews, who offers sessions for free and signs a non-disclosure agreement with couples to assure them of confidentiality.
Popular as it is now, pre-marital counselling is hardly a new concept. The Catholic Church has had a version of this for centuries, and it is mandatory for to-be brides and grooms to attend sessions.
On similar lines, the “Family First Counselling Centre”, which was set up at Juma Masjid in Kalbadevi in 2022 by the All India Muslim Personal Law Board, looks at marriage from an Islamic and contemporary perspective. “When couples come forward seeking a divorce, often their problems are trivial,” says founder and CEO Mufti Ashfaq Kazi, “During my travels to the UK and the US, I discovered such centres and saw that pre-marital counselling is a good solution.” The centre charges for the sessions but has a fund for couples who cannot afford to pay as well.
Like any counselling, it’s important to look for the right fit with the counselling, considering factors such as religious beliefs, cost and inclusivity.
For Shruti George, 32, a pharmaceutical industry professional from Navi Mumbai, after an eight-year relationship, the pre-marital sessions at Church felt futile. “It was shocking to hear a doctor say that you should practice abstinence if you aren’t planning a child,” says George, who was raised as a Syro-Malabar Catholic but opted for courses at a Latin Roman Catholic Church, as her church only had classes in Malayalam.
“The Church should make the programme more inclusive, without having religious beliefs as the sole basis of their teachings,” she adds.
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