Lobo Lobo and Indian ‘Put tru’ League

Illustration/Uday Mohite

And CSK had just lost another match in IPL 2025. And the brickbats were coming at Captain Dhoni… it was at that moment that Lobo Lobo walked into my home.

He saw the disappointment on my face.

"Why looking so bleddy irritated, Dikuna men?" he asked.

"Because it's time that Dhoni hung up his gloves, he's proving to be more of a liability than an asset. He was my favourite player, at his peak, but now the longer he sticks around, it's preventing young people from stepping into his shoes. And hurting his legacy, Lobo Lobo."

"See men, Boss, let me be total clear and simple, as long as anyone is fit and fine, wotever be de age, he can play to whenever he feels - as long as he is delivering."

"But is he delivering?"

Lobo Lobo was in no mood to listen.

"Let me tell you sumting, men Dikuna. Doni still has de lightning hands, men, wot wot stumpings he still does… ufffff. See where I come from Virar na, we have a football tournament, like de IPL in cricket, we have in footer. We also call it IPL… India ‘Put Tru' League'. You know, ‘Put tru' na. It means ‘pass de ball', we have teams from different different regions in our side, in Nort Mumbai, we name our teams after food dishes and delicacies… my team is de Virar Super Chorizos. Dere is de Bhayander Butter Chickens, de Parel Patiala Pegs, de Nalasopara Jumbo Nawabs, de Titwala Thepla Titans, and de Mankhurd Mussels."

"Why are there no teams from South Bombay?" I enquired.

"Arre men, your dat side peepuls, SoBoites, are not ruff tuff like us, in your side of Mumbai, dey play footer wid all dose green nets and all protected covered conditions, astro turf - all all pansies you'll all are. We play in de hard grounds of suburbs men, in de rain, in de heat."

"And the point you're making?"

"See I am 50 plus, yes, but I am still de fittest bugger in de Virar Super Chorizos, our dis tournament is happening right now, and in eight matches so far, I have scored already ten goals, I have been given de pink cap - MVP, Most Valuable Player.

"I don't mean to be de showing off, but what Dhoni is in Chennai, I am in de Virar…like he is Captain Cool, dat uddr name, Thala, I am Captain Chorizoooooooo… wherever I go, dey mob and take seflies-shelfies, the paps dey follow me, I can't go to a public restaurant, kids dey comes and aks for pics wid me, and dere parents aks for autographs.

But now dere is dis whachoucall trolling-folling to remove me and get yungger buggers in de team… dere are dese jealous peepuls, from widin de Chorizos, dey are power hungry, see Dikuna men, politics and power has come into evry sport, dey are starting dis ‘social media attacks'. Dey are saying dat me, Captain Chorizo is over de hill. Like dey are going after MSD, dese peeupls are going after me. De Public in Virar dey are sporting me, but de black forces are trying to bring me down wid, stories from my past, dere is one official in our team, he wants his son, one bleddy good for nutting fellow to take my place. No skills and no stamina he has, but he has solid dese wochyoucall, influencers on his side, I'm fully fed up, men Dikuna, but I will fight till my last brett."

"And what if they succeed in bringing you down, what will you do?"

"Arre no problem, Boss, I will begin my own football tournament, my own IPL - it will be de Indian Prawn Lobster League. Got it na, Dikuna men, de Indian Prawn Lobster League," he concluded.

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com